The Explainer Explained

“By becoming trapped in justifying who we are, what our intentions are, or even why we acted, said, or believed something, we become an explainer. The more we justify and explain our ‘normal’ behaviours, the more over-conscious of ourselves we become.”
— Making Sense of the Insensible

Let’s break this down and look at how it plays out in our everyday lives.

What Is an Explainer?

We become an explainer when we feel compelled to justify:

• Who we are or why we are the way we are

• What our intentions were behind what we said or did

• Why we acted or spoke a certain way

• Why we hold a particular opinion

The more we do this, the more we begin to pre-emptively explain ourselves—offering extra information even before anyone asks for it. This is often a survival response, shaped by experiences where being misunderstood felt dangerous, humiliating, or rejecting.

Eventually, we start narrating our every move, even inside our own heads. We become trapped in a pattern that someone else—usually from our childhood—conditioned us into. The result? We become overly self-conscious and hypersensitive to how others perceive us.

The Roots of Social Anxiety

Social anxiety often doesn’t come out of nowhere. It can stem from a childhood where we were under intense scrutiny:

“What are you doing?”
“Why did you say that?”
“What are you wearing?”
“Why are you fidgeting?”
“Don’t stand like that—it makes you look fat.”
“Behave yourself. Sit still. Don’t embarrass me.”

We weren’t misbehaving—we were just being. But our natural expressions, curiosity, or innocence got labelled as wrong, annoying, or shameful.

Over time, this creates a haunting legacy: we become unsure of ourselves, nervous in company, uncomfortable in our own skin—especially around authority figures, judgmental relatives, or even people we admire.

Children Learning, Not Misbehaving

Let’s be clear—this isn’t about letting kids run wild. Social norms exist for a reason. But what matters is how we correct or guide children. When children are repeatedly asked to explain themselves—especially when they truly don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing—we teach them to second-guess their every impulse.

Children live from their right brain: feeling, sensing, being. They don’t always know why they’re wiggling, frowning, or daydreaming. They’re just alive in their experience.

So, when we force them to explain themselves before they even understand themselves, we seed self-doubt, performance anxiety, and the fear of “getting it wrong.”

Have You Internalised the Interrogation?

If you often feel nervous, apologetic, or overly self-aware, ask yourself:

• Do I explain my actions or choices even when no one’s asking?

• Do I feel uncomfortable in groups, meetings, or family gatherings?

• Is there someone whose presence makes me shrink or overcompensate?

• Is my inner voice critical, doubtful, or on high alert?

If so, you may have internalised the constant questioning or judgment of childhood. The adult version of this pattern sounds like: “I don’t want to sound stupid… I better justify that… Maybe I should explain why I said that…”

But here’s the good news: you’re not that child anymore.

Breaking the Pattern

Healing this pattern begins with awareness—and a commitment to show up for yourself in a new way.

Start here:

• Answer only the question asked. No backstory. No disclaimers.

• Name what makes you feel self-conscious. Identify the setting, the people, or the triggers.

• Get to know the real you. What do you like, value, or believe—independent of what others have told you?

• Spend time with people who feel emotionally safe. Notice where you can breathe easier.

• Set the intention to stay grounded. Practise energetic boundaries—especially with people who drain, shame, or intimidate you. (Affirmations paired with Empowered Tapping® can help rewire this.)

Your Turn

When do you become the explainer?
Where in your life are you still trying to justify your right to simply be?

Awareness is the first doorway. Step through gently, and keep reminding yourself:

You do not have to explain your existence. You are allowed to take up space.

This could be a pattern you have been loyal to for decades — the Explainer.

Now ask yourself:

• How many loyalty card stamps have I earned by explaining myself over and over?

• Who was I trying to impress or appease to get those free validation coffees?

• Is it time to redeem the card… or tear it up altogether?

You don’t have to keep earning your worth one explanation at a time. Your presence is enough. No more “proof-of-purchase” required.