The Size of Your Emotional Containers

Understanding why your reactions don’t always make sense

I want you to imagine yourself — your body — filled with containers, all different sizes.

Some are ten litres.
Some are half a litre.
Some are two litres and others are eight litres.

You get the gist.

Now I want you to put labels on these containers.

Which sized container would you put the label love on?

And is there a container for the love you give… and a different sized container for the love you receive?

Do the same for:

• worth

• respect

• acceptance

• approval

• safety

• belonging

• honesty

• protection

• trust

• security

• nurtured

• supported

• valued

• competency

Now let’s label the containers that hold your fears.

Which sized container would you put the label abandoned on?

What about:

• rejection

• punishment

• blame

• shame

• undeserving

• aloneness

• betrayal

• lack

• vulnerability

• deception

• inadequacy

• powerlessness

• inferiority

• invisibility

• overlooked

The size of your container determines your capacity to hold an experience or an emotion.

Let’s say your container to receive love has only a one-litre capacity.

That means you can only allow in a small amount of love before your container overflows.

Whereas, if your container for punishment has a ten-litre capacity, you will tolerate ten times the punishment you do the love in your life.

Healing is about:

• decreasing the capacity for negative experiences

• and increasing the capacity for the good ones

But it is also about understanding — and giving language to — the experiences themselves.

What Happens When Love Exceeds Your Capacity?

What happens when your capacity to hold acceptance, love, and respect is small…

…but you have people in your life displaying these qualities toward you?

Your container overflows.

And your body is flooded with emotion.

Now we might assume that would feel amazing.

But it rarely does.

Because your capacity is regulated by the amygdala — the part of your brain responsible for detecting threat.

And it doesn’t distinguish between:

• danger

• or unfamiliar intensity

It simply reacts when your limits are exceeded.

When Love Feels Like Too Much

Let’s say you have a one-litre capacity to receive love…

…and along comes someone who has three litres of love to give you.

Your container quickly becomes overwhelmed.

You experience emotional flooding.

You may do this inwardly:

• panic

• overthink

• shut down

• create stories about why it won’t last

Or outwardly:

• emotional spirals

• drama

• pushing them away

• self-sabotage

• numbing behaviours (for example, emotional eating or drinking)

Either way, it is a message from your nervous system: “This is not familiar. Therefore, it must not be safe.”

This Isn’t a Love Problem

This is where most people get it wrong.

They think:

• “This person is too much”

• “This doesn’t feel right”

• “Something must be off”

But often…it’s not the love that’s the problem

It’s your capacity to receive it.

The Same Is True for Fear

Let’s look at vulnerability.

If your container for vulnerability has a one-litre capacity…

…and someone turns up with three litres of love…

your ability to feel vulnerable and move through it will be quickly overwhelmed.

So, what happens?

The love feels:

• scary

• intense

• exposing

You might love being loved…but only in small doses.

Again, you experience emotional flooding.

And again, you are faced with a choice: Stay within your current capacity…or grow beyond it.

Capacity Determines Compatibility

There is another side to this.

If you have a five-litre capacity to receive love…

…and someone offers you one litre…you will immediately know: this is not enough for me

That’s not rejection.

That’s recognition.

So, What Is Healing, Really?

Healing is not just about removing pain.

It is about:

expanding your capacity to hold what you actually want

• more love

• more safety

• more support

• more visibility

• more truth

Without your system going into panic.

The Work Most People Avoid

Most people try to control the world around them.

They:

• reduce what they receive

• avoid what feels too big

• or choose relationships that match their current capacity

But real growth looks different.

It looks like: allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable…while your capacity expands.

A New Way to Understand Your Reactions

So, the next time you feel:

• overwhelmed by love

• triggered by kindness

• uncomfortable being seen

• or unsure why something “good” feels like too much

pause.

And ask yourself: Is this wrong…or is this just bigger than what I’ve learned to hold?

A Final Thought

You don’t need less love.

You don’t need to find “the right amount.”

And you don’t need to shrink to what is being offered to you.

What you need is: a bigger container.

Because the truth is: Your life will always reflect what you have the capacity to receive — not what is available to you.

And once you expand that capacity…everything changes.