2 Coping Mechanisms That Feel Like Your Personality: The Escape and the Distraction

We don’t always run from danger. Sometimes, we run from the very thing we’ve dreamed of.

It’s a quiet sabotage — not loud like fear, but subtle like second-guessing. Just when life starts to deliver what we truly desire — closeness, recognition, success, love — something inside us flinches.

Some of us escape.
Some of us distract ourselves.
Many of us do both.

I call these two patterns The Escape and the Distraction — twin instincts of the receiving wound. The Escape pulls away, creating distance just when it matters most. The Distraction splinters our focus, keeping us just busy enough to never quite arrive. They are two sides of the same protection coin, born from a deep belief that receiving is risky.

Underneath them both live quieter movements of the heart:
🌀 The Inner U-Turn — where we retreat before the gift can land.
👀 The Side Glance — where we peek at what we want but never look it fully in the eye.

These are not flaws. They are survival strategies that made sense when love once came with conditions, or presence meant pain. But we outgrow them — or rather, we become ready to meet what they’ve been protecting.

This post explores how these two patterns show up, why they might have once served you, and how to begin softening them so you can receive more fully, love more deeply, and stay with what you actually want.

#1 The Escape: “I Ruin Good Things”: When self-sabotage gets mistaken for your personality.

The Personality We Think We Have

🟢 "I’m just someone who messes things up. I can’t help it — I always run when things get too good."
You’ve got a story you tell yourself: you’re unreliable, you never follow through, you “ruin everything.” You believe you’re just wired this way — afraid of commitment, scared of success, unable to be vulnerable.

But what if it’s not your personality at all? What if it’s protection?

What It Looks Like

The self-saboteur:

• Starts strong… then disappears when things get real.

• Walks away from opportunities that feel “too good to be true.”

• Finds fault in people who meet their needs — then pushes them away.

• Procrastinates or distracts when stepping into their power feels possible.

You may think you’re just “not cut out for happiness.” That you can’t handle intensity. That when things go well, something always goes wrong — and it’s probably your fault.

But what’s really going on is fear… of having what you asked for. Because getting what you want means facing what you believe you don’t deserve.

Why It’s Not Really Your Personality

Self-sabotage isn’t an identity flaw — it’s a learned defence pattern. It’s your nervous system trying to keep you safe from:

• The shame of believing you’re unworthy of having your needs met.

• The exposure of being truly seen, known, and loved.

• The vulnerability of feeling joy — and the fear it could be taken away.

If your childhood or early relationships taught you that love equals pain, or that your needs are inconvenient, you may have internalised beliefs like:

“I am too much.”
“I am unworthy.”
“If I get close, I will be hurt.”

So, when someone treats you well — or life offers you what you asked for — those inner beliefs get triggered. You run. You reject. You destroy. Not because you don’t want it — but because deep down, you don’t believe you’re allowed to have it.

What to Do Instead

Here’s how to start dismantling the self-sabotage trap and rewire your ability to receive:

✅ Name the fear beneath the sabotage. Is it fear of loss? Fear of being seen? Fear of not being good enough?

✅ Separate identity from behaviour. You’re not a failure — you’re someone who learned survival strategies that now need upgrading.

✅ Practise tolerating goodness. When things go well, breathe. Stay. Let it feel uncomfortable — that’s your nervous system stretching.

✅ Challenge the “deserve” myth. You don’t have to earn good things. Worthiness isn’t based on suffering.

✅ Rewrite your self-picture. The version of you that believed they were unlovable was trying to make sense of past pain. You don’t have to keep proving them right.

✅ Accept that joy takes courage. It’s easier to long for something than to receive it — but only one leads to healing.

#2 The Distraction: “I Implode Under Pressure”: When support feels like pressure, and success triggers shutdown.

The Personality We Think We Have

🟢 "I just can’t handle pressure. I work better alone. Expectations make me crumble."
You might describe yourself as someone who "chokes" when the spotlight is on. Who loses motivation when others start cheering. Who walks away from the dream the minute it gets real.

You think the problem is pressure. But often, the real problem is this: You don’t know how to receive support without feeling exposed.

What It Looks Like

The Imploder:

• Shuts down or self-sabotages when offered help, encouragement, or belief.

• Finds reasons to quit once someone else shares or supports their goal.

• Feels trapped or resentful when their desires are mirrored by others.

• Equates shared focus with unbearable pressure, not collaboration.

To the outside world, it might look like flakiness or fear of commitment. But inside, it feels like suffocation. Like the minute someone else believes in your dream, you lose ownership of it. It’s no longer safe… it’s expected. And expectations — especially kind ones — can feel dangerous.

Why It’s Not Really Your Personality

This is not about pressure tolerance or personality type. It’s about unresolved emotional wiring.

If your early experiences taught you that:

• Attention = danger

• Visibility = vulnerability

• Support = control

• Encouragement = obligation

Then when someone offers belief, hope, or help… it doesn’t register as support. It registers as exposure. You’re not failing because you’re incapable. You’re failing because the moment something becomes real, your nervous system yells, “Abort mission!”

Because if you succeed — and someone helped — what happens if you disappoint them? If you fail publicly? If you’re seen and still not good enough?

Your implosion is not proof of weakness. It’s proof that support was once paired with pain — and your mind is trying to protect you from that again.

What to Do Instead

Here’s how to start unhooking from the belief that support equals threat:

✅ Notice your reaction to praise or shared goals. Does it inspire you — or make you want to run?

✅ Redefine what support means. Support isn’t pressure unless you make it so. It’s not ownership. It’s a mirror — and mirrors can be kind.

✅ Trace the discomfort. Who first made ‘belief in you’ feel dangerous? Whose attention felt conditional or intense?

✅ Practise staying when you want to leave. Don’t force the next step — just breathe and stay with the support for one more moment.

✅ Speak the fear out loud. “This is what I want… but I’m scared that I’ll disappoint you.” Naming it softens its grip.

✅ Be honest, not a hero. You don’t have to carry every dream alone to prove you deserve it.

Final Words

You’re not faulty. You’re not weak. You’re not “just someone who ruins good things.” You’re someone who learned to protect your heart in the only ways you knew how.

But protection doesn’t have to mean isolation anymore. Distraction doesn’t have to mean disconnection. And receiving — while it may still feel risky — is a muscle you can strengthen.

Let this be your gentle invitation to pause before the escape, soften the side glance, and stay one moment longer with the goodness that wants to meet you. You’re not too much. You’re not too late. You’re learning how to stay — with yourself, with love, with life.

☕️ And hey — don’t forget to stamp your Life Café Loyalty Card whenever you practise one of these shifts. Every pause, every breath, every brave new moment counts.