Guilt – The Great Feminine Trap

For decades now, authors have been writing about how women experience more guilt than men. A Stylist magazine survey found that 96% of women feel guilty at least once a day. Meanwhile, Spanish researchers reported in the Spanish Journal of Psychology that women of all ages experience significantly higher levels of guilt than men.

Let’s begin with a definition. According to the Macquarie Essential Dictionary, guilt is:

“a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some crime, wrong, etc., either real or imagined.”

Conditioning: Culture, Religion, or Genetics?

Those same Spanish researchers suggested that women are genetically predisposed to guilt. They linked this to women’s greater capacity for empathy—and while I acknowledge that link, I also have a gut reaction to all forms of stereotyping.

Just because women from all cultures report higher levels of guilt doesn’t prove it’s genetic. What it does prove, in my view, is just how deeply ingrained cultural conditioning is when it comes to gender.

Without intending to offend, we must ask: Why would women naturally feel more responsible for wrongdoing? For thousands of years, Christian-based teachings have blamed Eve for the sins of man. Humanity’s “fall from grace” has been placed, largely, on the shoulders of a woman. After centuries of repetition, women have inherited this subconscious messaging.

Two Kinds of Guilt

We often blur the lines between different types of guilt, but to truly heal, we need to understand the two distinct sources:

1. Guilt that comes from transgressing our own value system

2. Guilt that comes from a fear of not belonging to others

In this post, I’m focusing on the first.

When Guilt Means Losing Yourself

Guilt that arises from going against your own values is especially common among women—particularly mothers.

In the first two years of a child’s life, the child’s needs are paramount. For healthy development, those needs ideally must be met consistently. That usually means the mother places her entire self—her identity, time, needs, and energy—into service of the child.

At age two, the child begins separating their identity from their mother. Theoretically, this is when the mother can start re-establishing herself. But often, another baby has arrived. And the cycle continues. For many mothers, anywhere from four to ten years may pass in service of others. Over time, a woman may forget what it’s like to exist in her own right.

When Sacrifice Becomes Self-Erasure

If every cell in the human body is replaced within seven years, then it stands to reason: after years of self-sacrifice, a woman’s entire being adapts to this way of life. She becomes not an individual, but an extension—of her children, her partner, her role.

Sacrifice becomes normalised. And for the sake of this discussion, sacrifice means giving up oneself at a cost to oneself.

This is what it can look like:

• Struggling to set or enforce boundaries

• Difficulty asking for her needs to be met

• Valuing herself only through the lens of her family roles

• Adapting her opinions to match those around her

• Suppressing her truth to keep others happy

This is how a woman gradually violates her own value system—by forgetting what’s important to her.

And to be clear: I deeply admire a woman’s capacity to give herself for the wellbeing of a child. It’s an extraordinary gift. The issue isn’t the giving—it’s not reclaiming herself afterwards.

Family Conditioning Begins Early

But this guilt doesn’t start with motherhood alone. Many girls grow up watching their mothers disappear. And they absorb the message.

In patriarchal households, girls often learn to:

• Give in to their fathers and brothers

• Prioritise men’s needs and moods

• Take blame for men’s actions

• Believe they are responsible for everyone’s wellbeing

They are trained—subtly or overtly—to be the emotional caretakers of the family. By the time these girls become women, they’re already primed to abandon their values for the sake of others. Self-blame, over-responsibility, and people-pleasing are simply the logical outcomes.

In response, some women try to control everything they can to regain a sense of security.

That, too, is a survival strategy.
And yes—this could easily be its own blog series!

A Modern Woman, A Heavy Load

Today, many women are reclaiming their identity through work, creativity, and leadership. But the guilt hasn’t gone away—it’s just changed shape.

That’s because value-based guilt is only half the story. The other half is belonging-based guilt—which I’ll explore in the next blog.

For now, I invite you to pause and reflect:

• What has this post raised for you?

• Even without doing a values exercise (yet), can you sense where your guilt or stress may come from?

Don't Forget Your Loyalty Card

And if you're exploring these insights with me regularly, I’ve got a little bonus for you…

Pull out your Life Café loyalty card.
Every time you honour your truth, reflect instead of reacting or reclaim a piece of your identity—you earn a stamp. ✨

Because recognising your conditioning? That’s a stamp.
Naming your guilt without shame? Another stamp.
Choosing your values again after years of forgetting? Stamp it.

Growth doesn't need to be perfect—it just needs to be practiced.
So grab your card and give yourself credit where credit is due.