The Guilt That Gets in the Way of Joy

In my previous blog, I discussed primary guilt—the kind that arises when we transgress our own values. This guilt, uncomfortable as it is, serves a purpose: it reminds us of when we’re out of alignment with our truth.

But there’s another kind of guilt I call secondary guilt. This guilt doesn’t come from our conscience—it comes from our fears. And more often than not, it’s fear of rejection, abandonment, or disconnection.

Guilt as a Fear of Not Belonging

Family therapist Bert Hellinger, in his book Acknowledging What Is, wrote that a sense of belonging helps us maintain our innocence—while the fear of not belonging evokes a deep sense of guilt.

Secondary guilt is born from the belief that our behaviour, thoughts, or needs will result in us being pushed out—no longer accepted by our family, friends, partner, workplace, or “tribe.” We feel guilt not because we’ve done something wrong, but because we fear that being ourselves may cost us our place.

Why Women Feel It More

Women, generally speaking, are more prone to this kind of guilt. The ways in which women connect—through communication, emotional intimacy, and social cohesion—leave them more vulnerable to guilt that stems from the fear of disconnection.

Returning to the motherhood theme from the previous post, many women create a sense of belonging by dedicating themselves to the service of others—especially their children and partners. When that role is threatened, even slightly, guilt rushes in. It’s not about personal values—it’s about protecting attachment at all costs.

But it goes deeper.

For generations, many women were raised to feel “less than.” Their worth was measured by others—often men, or patriarchal systems—and so they learned to seek validation externally. When that validation doesn’t come, not only do they feel worthless but they also feel guilty for being “not enough.”

Secondary Guilt Steals Our Joy

This type of guilt is toxic. It doesn't guide us back to ourselves—it pulls us further away.

Secondary guilt convinces us to abandon our truth so we can stay connected. But the cost is high: we silence ourselves, betray our values, and shrink our light—not because we’re wrong, but because we’re scared.

It’s not just unhelpful. It’s damaging.

The Inner Fix: Stop Seeking External Validation

To overcome this kind of guilt, we have to stop outsourcing our worth.

That means healing the false stories we’ve inherited – stories from religion, family, media, or culture that told us we had to earn our worth through perfection, obedience, or self-sacrifice.

When we internalise these messages, we start creating our own inner contracts:

“If I don’t please them, I’m not lovable.”
“If I speak my truth, I’ll be pushed away.”
“If I don’t make them happy, I’m failing.”

This is how we become stuck in guilt loops—always trying to avoid the pain of rejection, without ever asking if it’s real.

Ask the Hard Question

Much of secondary guilt is based on assumption. So, here’s your task: test it.

Ask. Clarify. Use those 20,000 daily words we women are statistically gifted with—not just to support others, but to stand for our own needs.

And if someone answers you honestly with something like:

“Yes, I prefer you silent. Subservient. Unopinionated. If you speak up, I’ll reject you”—

Then it’s time to ask yourself a harder question:

“If this person doesn’t value me for who I truly am… why am I working so hard to belong to them?”

Yes, in some relationships, you can’t just walk away. But you can change how you relate. You can let go of the guilt, even if you can’t yet let go of the person. You can reclaim your right to joy.

Let Go of Guilt. Let Go of Needing to Belong Where You’re Not Accepted.

It’s possible—truly possible—to interact with others without bending yourself into shapes just to be accepted.

Let go of the guilt.
Let go of the need to belong where love isn’t mutual or safe.
Reserve your loyalty and belonging for those who honour it.

Stamp That Card

And while you’re here—don't forget to bring your Life Café Loyalty Card. 💛

Every time you:

• Name your guilt for what it really is—fear

• Ask for your needs instead of burying them

• Stop chasing approval from those who refuse to offer it—

You earn a stamp.

Because shedding guilt and choosing joy?
That takes emotional strength.
And strength deserves to be acknowledged.

So, pull out your loyalty card, give yourself credit, and keep collecting those beautiful reminders of your own growth.

How possible does this feel for you right now?
Where could you begin letting go of guilt that was never yours to carry?